Too Desperate to Be Blessed

Lately, I have been having a series of interesting conversation with some of my single and married male friends.  They have been eye opening and have caused me to think about how I am situated within the truth that they shared. 

The initial conversation was between me and a friend, lets call him ATL.  ATL is a 30 something married minister with an awesome marriage of six years to a beautiful sister who too is my friend.  We were talking about my blog and some different topic ideas I was considering.   He asked me how I was doing with my active waiting– now that’s another entry for another day- and my current prospects.  Anyway in the middle of that discussion today’s topic emerged.  Here is how our conversation went…

ATL says to me “within moments of entering a room I can tell which women are available and which ones are not; which are open to be approached and those who are closed; I can even tell which ones are desperate to be in a relationship” and by implication married.  I think to myself, yeah really.  Then he shared that the last group were the ones he “used to avoid.”  He explains, even when he was ready for marriage and wanted to find his mate, he would avoid those who seemed desperate to be married.  My response was first silence and then out loud I skeptically barked “really!”

I must admit, that I am not sure what I objected to the most:  the idea that “being ready for love” could be misinterpreted as desperation upon casual observation OR that men are really that perceptive to discern so much about us without one word being shared. 

This struck a nerve, because although I never have been desperate, at least to my own mind, had I ever come across as desperate?  Particularly without saying one word.  What did that look like? Would I know it if is ever creped up in me? Could a waiting woman seem desperate instead or ready for God to bless?  I needed to know more.

A Pregnant Pause - Of course I am not oblivious that we women can give off many messages with body language alone.  Heck I do it all the time.  I well know the power of non-verbal communication – from a look, a brush of the hair, even our posture says something.   But until this conversation, I thought much more about its benefits and our feminine mystique instead of how it could block us from the very thing we wanted most. 

Both men and women know how to use looks, glances and slightest movement to say come close or go away.  As a woman, I even know how to give a glace of indifference and grab a man into my presence within moments.  Shoot my ultra ego Godiva is a consummate flirt.  She knows how to send a look, a half smile or smirk, to shift in her chair or even change her walk just to say “hello.”  Indeed, I know how to discreetly flirt from across the room and let a guy know that it is ok to approach. 

My Conversation with ATL that afternoon seemed to reveal that the non-verbal expertise of our species cut both ways. Dangerous ways.  This exchange was revealing.  I was so intrigued by what he shared.  Like watching an episode of Lie to Me, I leaned in, intrigued, rubbing my chin, channeling the persona of Yoda and said “hmmm interesting indeed, this is.

As I listened, I was forced to relinquish the thought ATL was kidding.  I wanted to convince myself that it was impossible for him or any man to know our disposition about our singleness without us even opening our mouth!  Something was unsettling about his assertion.  The inner me wanted to insist that his claim was ridiculous.  Yet, I knew ATL to always be a straight and honest communicator, so I asked,  “How he could possibly tell all of that upon entering a room? Without even speaking to a woman?” His response and the next hour conversation was an eye opener.

For some of you, this concept may not be a surprise, but for me it was enlightening.  I have a father, a step-father, two extremely doting uncles and a few close male friends, but non of them ever shared the truths I learned that day.  While we covered a lot, the place I want to hang my scarf for a conversation is around this idea that some of us want to be married and partnered so much that our desire reads as desperation to men.  Even worse, it comes across without any direct interaction or intent on our part.  And if that is true, then the very men that we want to be noticed by invalidate us because we come off as desperate.

A moment of silence to let that one sink in…

So I wait...

          I have been waiting...

                    I will wait...

                              for the one God will send.

                                            - Ms. Godiva Sweet