A Knock? A Prank? A What?

...I think the knock was a prank.  Or maybe not.  Either way, I will wait. 
((See yesterday's entry to undertand))

I was discussing with a friend today that if you are prayerful and discerning you can not only hear what people ((ok male prospects)) are saying to you, but know what they mean.  All we have to do is listen really closely.  Listen more than we talk and we will hear what they are saying, or not saying. 

As single women, it is important that we listen for the voice of the Spirit in the journey toward being partnered.  Drown out the voice of your flesh when it insists to be heard and lean in to hear the gentle voice of the Spirit who chooses never to raise her/his voice.

Today, I can laugh at the inconsistencies of the choices I am presented, while still rejoicing in knowing that G-d's got me in all of this. 

I choose not to be anxious and relax and enjoy the process of personal transformation, spiritual preperation and the liberty that comes with solitude.

Today, I believe in full faith that my man is coming. 

I have not been able to say that for some time; but I dare to believe again, hope again and know again.  I choose to wait, faithfully. Patiently.  Maybe it was a prank, maybe not.  But it is what it is.  Time will tell if what I experienced was a "knock" or a prank.

Nonetheless, today is a great day.  No man called to make me feel good.  No email arrived to give me hope.  No text appeared flirting to confirm interest.  Just me and my choice to believe that my man is coming!


Hope you are having a great day. I am!

Toodles, Godiva

The Pursuit of Happiness

A few years back I watched the movie The Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith and his son Jaden (who debuted on the large screen with this award winning film).  It was a moving story the chronicled the life of Chris Gardner, a single dad trying to make a way for his family.  Chris was a man who found great joy in being a good father to his son, a gift never given to him by his own dad.  Yet, despite this joy, happiness had evaded him.  Having hit rock bottom with a business venture gone bad, Gardner begins a relentless pursuit of his own happiness.

As a Christian, it is not merely some religious platitude that “the joy of the Lord is my strength;” it is fact.  There is nothing like knowing G-d for yourself.  It provides a joy that cannot me quantified or qualified. That is because Joy, is pure, essential and is indivisible.  It is Joy. Complete. Satisfying. Strength-Giving.

My relationship with G-d is what makes life livable during the difficult times.  Obviously, knowing G-d is phenomenal when things are going well, but it is in the time of trouble that I am able to draw needed strength from within the embrace of G-d’s love.  My relationship with G-d through Christ keeps me grounded and from going totally over a cliff in troubling times.  It is what gives me courage to believe, despite facts to seem to deny the fulfillment of my hopes and dreams.  But there is a difference between joy and happiness.  Joy comes from within and can exist even when the details of life do not make you “happy.”  I am so glad I have joy!  But during this season of my life I am pursing happiness. 

My therapist gave me an ultimatum this summer that I wrestled with.  He told me if I wanted to be in a relationship (of course one that leads to marriage was the implication-- I need a husband, not a boyfriend or boo) do something about it.  I was a bit taken aback by this challenge.  I was like dude, if it depended on me, trust I would have been married a long time ago and would be raising my kids with my loving husband.  But yet there it was, a huge pink elephant, he had paced in the corner of the room with his challenge whispering to me…pursue your happiness.

He argued that if my very-life depended on my finding a mate, I would find one.  He went on to insist that I could do so in as little as 6 months.  Really?! I protested, “it is by no means that simple, especially for women.”  But I must admit it made me wonder what role do we play in the pursuit of our own happiness?

Doc was right; we know how to go after everything else we want.  Why not here?  He wasn’t suggesting that I go searching, as much as I do what I could to make my dreams come true.  No time at the moment to discuss my theological musings about what it means to be “found,” but suffice to say, I opened myself up to the idea of the pursuit. 

So in July I decided to experiment with 3 months of on-line dating and see where that led me.  Look for a future entry “tales from the crypt – dating in 2011.”  I wanted to allow myself greater exposure to men.  I am not the kind of girl that will chase a brother, but increasing my exposure seemed to be a reasonable step toward the challenge to pursue my happiness.

My pursuit has also caused me to do continual introspection as respects to how I relate to men.  How open I am and how vulnerable do I allow myself to be?  I am undeniably “all girl,” but often shield “my girl” because of the roles I have held professionally.  Corporate America had made me a bit hard (no-nonsense, name taker, bottom line shot caller, deal maker).  Yet, any man, who gets to know me socially, is clear that I am a lady who is eager to follow strong leadership.  Despite this fact, those who only encountered me casually could easily miss this nuance because of my poise and professionalism. 

I also realized that I usually harnessed my “feminine mystique”  ((future entry)) until I encountered a man who had expressed his interest.  Then I would turn it on.  Honest talks with male friends over the last 16 months have taught me that I needed to soften myself.  I am strong.  No changing that.  But did I always need to come off sooo strong?  Fact: some men will not lean in close enough to see your softness and learn that beneath the very accomplished businesswoman turned minster is a girl looking for her prince charming. I know now, I have to let my soft show. It is critical to my pursuit.

So today I am pursing my own destiny.  I have learned it is not just about happiness; but more about doing my best to cooperate with 

G-d’s destiny for my life.  That means being open, being wiling to change and keeping my eyes and ears open for glimmers of the future.  Who knows sometimes when you least expect it, opportunity knocks.

Wait, I think someone is knocking now… 

So I wait...

          I have been waiting...

                    I will wait...

                              for the one God will send.

                                                     --Godiva

A Moan...then Silence

I apologize for the silence.  It has been a tough few weeks.  I have found it hard to write the whisper, because all I had to give was a moan.  My moans were about loneliness.  My moan was about feeling alone while in crowded rooms.  Also I need to write about my own journey of survival of sexual abuse.  The Penn State incident has raised old issues for many.  While my own issues have been well worked out in prayer, worship and therapy.  The experience does play strongly into the whisper of my life.

So I owe you an entry or two.  Additionally, I feel the need to respond to the pull in me to write here more.  So I may take to two times a week in January.  I am still journalling to separate this from that.  Yet, at moments I see the need for overlap between the two.  I'm still learning how to do that.  Please be prayerful with me as I discern what to share in this sacred space.

Sacred because hopefully in my own transparency, you can hear G-d speaking to you.  Unless I am absolutely compelled to do so, I resist the preacher in me and never take a text.  But hopefully you hear the Word in between the cypher of my prose. But I believe (or at least think) if the experience of G-d's people and G-d interaction with them was deemed holy and become G-d's word in the past; then stories of today's Christians have sacred connotations, because of the power of story.  Our stories matter; and because God is involved in our stories they are Sacred.

Fact: I am a wordy girl.  So despite my attempt to shorten my next blog to 500-750 words, I am at what seems to be my sweet spot, about 800.  I guess that is who I am. So I own it.  My hope is that these entries take no longer than 7-10 minutes to read.  We rush rush rush all the time.  I sure do.  But what is a few minutes a week to hear the whisper of our souls?  So I will continue D & T to try and shorten these entries, but "I am what I am..." (in my best popeye's voice) wordy.  Lol.

Godiva

Too Desperate to Be Blessed

Lately, I have been having a series of interesting conversation with some of my single and married male friends.  They have been eye opening and have caused me to think about how I am situated within the truth that they shared. 

The initial conversation was between me and a friend, lets call him ATL.  ATL is a 30 something married minister with an awesome marriage of six years to a beautiful sister who too is my friend.  We were talking about my blog and some different topic ideas I was considering.   He asked me how I was doing with my active waiting– now that’s another entry for another day- and my current prospects.  Anyway in the middle of that discussion today’s topic emerged.  Here is how our conversation went…

ATL says to me “within moments of entering a room I can tell which women are available and which ones are not; which are open to be approached and those who are closed; I can even tell which ones are desperate to be in a relationship” and by implication married.  I think to myself, yeah really.  Then he shared that the last group were the ones he “used to avoid.”  He explains, even when he was ready for marriage and wanted to find his mate, he would avoid those who seemed desperate to be married.  My response was first silence and then out loud I skeptically barked “really!”

I must admit, that I am not sure what I objected to the most:  the idea that “being ready for love” could be misinterpreted as desperation upon casual observation OR that men are really that perceptive to discern so much about us without one word being shared. 

This struck a nerve, because although I never have been desperate, at least to my own mind, had I ever come across as desperate?  Particularly without saying one word.  What did that look like? Would I know it if is ever creped up in me? Could a waiting woman seem desperate instead or ready for God to bless?  I needed to know more.

A Pregnant Pause - Of course I am not oblivious that we women can give off many messages with body language alone.  Heck I do it all the time.  I well know the power of non-verbal communication – from a look, a brush of the hair, even our posture says something.   But until this conversation, I thought much more about its benefits and our feminine mystique instead of how it could block us from the very thing we wanted most. 

Both men and women know how to use looks, glances and slightest movement to say come close or go away.  As a woman, I even know how to give a glace of indifference and grab a man into my presence within moments.  Shoot my ultra ego Godiva is a consummate flirt.  She knows how to send a look, a half smile or smirk, to shift in her chair or even change her walk just to say “hello.”  Indeed, I know how to discreetly flirt from across the room and let a guy know that it is ok to approach. 

My Conversation with ATL that afternoon seemed to reveal that the non-verbal expertise of our species cut both ways. Dangerous ways.  This exchange was revealing.  I was so intrigued by what he shared.  Like watching an episode of Lie to Me, I leaned in, intrigued, rubbing my chin, channeling the persona of Yoda and said “hmmm interesting indeed, this is.

As I listened, I was forced to relinquish the thought ATL was kidding.  I wanted to convince myself that it was impossible for him or any man to know our disposition about our singleness without us even opening our mouth!  Something was unsettling about his assertion.  The inner me wanted to insist that his claim was ridiculous.  Yet, I knew ATL to always be a straight and honest communicator, so I asked,  “How he could possibly tell all of that upon entering a room? Without even speaking to a woman?” His response and the next hour conversation was an eye opener.

For some of you, this concept may not be a surprise, but for me it was enlightening.  I have a father, a step-father, two extremely doting uncles and a few close male friends, but non of them ever shared the truths I learned that day.  While we covered a lot, the place I want to hang my scarf for a conversation is around this idea that some of us want to be married and partnered so much that our desire reads as desperation to men.  Even worse, it comes across without any direct interaction or intent on our part.  And if that is true, then the very men that we want to be noticed by invalidate us because we come off as desperate.

A moment of silence to let that one sink in…

So I wait...

          I have been waiting...

                    I will wait...

                              for the one God will send.

                                            - Ms. Godiva Sweet